HALFSQUATCH HOUSEHOLD TIP #34

Hey gang, every year, at the end of November, Halfsquatch provides a handy-dandy tip! This year's tip:

HOW TO GET RID OF A GOD DAMN STAIN!

Ah, bloody 'ell!

The solution is mad-easy and requires no chemicals, no soap, nuffin'! What is it? Boiling water. Here's what you do:

1. Go and spill something ridiculous on something important and create a god damn stain. It could be your shag rug. Perhaps you're a douchebag and your finest, most-prized Ed Hardy tee has some a nasty orange-pigment around the collar and you just can't get rid of the god damn stain, no matter how much you yell!

2. Quit yer yellin' ya mook and put the shirt in the sink or tub.

3. Boil some boring water!

4. Pour that boiling water on the god damn stain from a bit of a height (more than two feet seems to be the ticket).

5. Watch that god damn stain disappear!

CALL OF DUTY: SECRET SPIELBERG LEVEL UNLOCKED

Call of Duty: Secret Spielberg Level Unlocked - watch more funny videos

JEFF WALL IS AN INSPIRATION!!

You know, after seeing Jeff's work and the success he's had, and taking into consideration a number of comments made to me regarding my thoughts on Jeff Wall (see comments on this post) I thought, you know what? Maybe a bunch of these meat-headed buffoons are right! Maybe I shouldn't just laze about being a bum. Maybe I should get off my fat ass and become the artiste I truly believe myself to be. After all, if Jeff Wall can sell one of his works of art for MILLIONS (not an exaggeration) then so can I!

On my way back from lunch, I imagined myself walking through the world with Jeff's eye and something miraculous happened! I found myself finding art everywhere! There was even a small voice deep inside my right ear saying "YES! YES! That's powerful! Capture it! You ARE an auteur!"

I now present to you my first public showing of 7 masterpieces. I chose 7 as the number of images to present due to the powerful and majestic qualities the number 7 signifies. I think you'll find a number of other symbolic and majestic qualities in each of these images. Enjoy.

Spare Tire Wedged Against Wall In Alley 2009
iPhone digital image: 600 pixels x 800
documentary photograph

The Bicycle Incident 2009
iPhone digital image: 600 pixels x 800
documentary photograph

Street Crossers 2009
iPhone digital image: 600 pixels x 800
documentary photograph

No Exit 2009
iPhone digital image: 600 pixels x 800
documentary photograph

Wet Wall and Pipe 2009
iPhone digital image: 600 pixels x 800
documentary photograph

A House Being Built 2009
iPhone digital image: 600 pixels x 800
documentary photograph

Basketball In Puddle 2009
iPhone digital image: 600 pixels x 800
documentary photograph

JEFF WALL'S CONCRETE BALL

As you may be aware, I am not a fan of Jeff Wall's work and here is another classic example as to why and it just boggles my mind how he can be so successful.

Concrete ball 2002
Transparency in lightbox 2040 x 2600 mm
Private collection, Basel
Documentary photograph

Here is a quote from Tate Modern on Concrete Ball:
"Based on a found scene, the quietness of Concrete ball reveals Wall's attention to pictorial composition. The concern here is not to represent an event, but rather to depict a generic urban landscape, without specific qualities and devoid of any drama. The perspective is carefully calculated and the central element responds to the curve of the road. The large scale of the work, proportioned to the human body, evokes a sense of immersion in the scene."

Are you fucking kidding me?! This is complete and utter bullshit, void of any artistic merit. If I or any artist or photographer took a photo of this thing, even if it was composed better, and went to a gallery and said, "Hey, would you be interested in what I consider a real work of art?" they'd look at it and laugh in our faces. The only thing going for this is the fact that it has Jeff's name attached to it. A friend of mine said, "My [3-year-old] takes better pictures."

Hit the road, Jack!

OAF - WE GOT OUR FIRST CLIENT!

To whom it may concern,

RE: Ocean Adventure Force

I saw your ad recently placed on Craigslist and was hoping you could help me as I have exhausted all traditional forms of assistance and wasted a lot of time and money trying to use ‘normal’ channels. To most people this will sound strange and maybe even made up, but I’m hoping from your ad that you will firstly believe me, and more importantly be able to help me. So here it is:

On weekends I volunteer at the Vancouver Aquarium where I help translate bubble patterns produced by Pacific Bottlenose dolphins (Tursiops truncate of the Delpinidae genus). Although still in its infancy as a scientific medium and not recognised by any major body I have devoted the last 12 years of my life to creating a language based on the patterns and can now confidently say that I can communicate with the dolphins in a rudimentary fashion. To get to the point; over the past 7 months the dolphins have been getting more and more agitated and expressive so using my patented translating device I have managed to deduce that there is something both very scary but also fantastical about to happen. What this event is, and how it can be linked to the dolphins is something I have yet to discover, however what I do know is that it involves Scallops and a little known (or understood) microbe called Filius Nullius which roughly translates as ‘The Bastard’. This microbe has the ability to enter a creature and alter its genetic structures in such a way that can be either beneficial, or detrimental to the creature involved. However it should be noted that numerous studies into its behaviour show beyond doubt (approximately 98.9% of the time) it is detrimental, hence it got its name.

If you think you can help avert this impending disaster and would like to know more then we should meet sooner rather than later as time is of the essence. Also you should be aware my funds are limited as I have already used up most of my available sources of income (including exhaustive prostitution and medical testing) and my body is now all but spent, however if you are who you say you are then the information you have just seen should kindle the kind of interest that demeans any kind of financial recuperation.

Yours in confidence,

[name not printed for privacy]

OAF - 2ND AD

Well, we got no bites on our first ad yet, but they say persistence gets the early cat to bed in a hand-basket so I thought I'd have a go at another ad. Again, people, please, if you know anyone who may be in need of our unique services, I recommend that you send them our way. It could save their life. Here's the direct link to our ad.

OCEAN ADVENTURE FORCE

My buddy John Dryden and I are working feverishly on our new business and we're hoping to stir up a bit of business by placing an ad in Craigslist. We'll be expanding our ad campaign to various magazines soon such as Forbes and O (which, BTW, this months' issue features Oprah on the cover). Here's the link should you need to send it to anyone who may be in need of our services.

click on image for higher quality

DR. GRORDBORTS'S RIGHTEOUS BISON INDIVISIBLE PARTICLE SMASHER

The fascinating Dr. Grordbort has tantalized our puny minds for years with his incredible infallible aether oscillators. These ray guns, though fantastic, are extremely powerful(they can completely disintegrate a giant monstrousidon in less than 4 seconds) and are far too expensive for my pocketbook. Luckily however, I had the privilege of meeting the good doctor himself in San Diego and there, I had an exclusive hands-on demonstration of his "slave-class" ray-gun.

This gun, though less powerful than the others in the doctor's line of weapons, still commands respect! Thanks to scientific experimentation and years of research and advancements in imitation metals, scientists, engineers and designers have taken Dr. Grordbort's ambitious ideas and adapted and refined them so that you and I could in fact be proud owners of such a luxurious and prestigious item! Little known fact: Dr. Grordbort's personal assistant and ghost-writer Greg Broadmore is a conceptual artist for Weta. One of his designs is the exo-suit in District-9.

Get your Righteous Bison here!

Dr. Grordbort's personal assistant, Greg Broadmore.

LEGO MATRIX

My sons and I have been making a lot of Lego things lately and it's almost the 10th anniversary of The Matrix so take the red pill and check this groovy little Lego video out.

WUW- SIXTH SENSE WEARABLE TECH

Incredible stuff and relatively cheap! Incredibly bad music though...



Here's the TED page with more information.

BEAR NAKED

Some South American bears in a German zoo have developed a condition which made their fur fall off and they've developed some rashes etc. I think they look awesome! Check out those claws!!! "More" info here!

STRANGER DANGER PSA

I wish I saw this a month ago :(

See more funny videos and Funny Videos at Today's Big Thing.

TUCKER & DALE vs. EVIL

ZOMBIE KID FOUND