SPACE COPS!!!!!!!

The year is 2186. Cops and bad guys use lasers in a world gone laser-crazy. A bad guy has a laser-sword(trademark) and there's only one space-cop who can save him: SPACE COP!

I went to film school at a crappy college in Ontario. One fellow student, John Benedikty, fancied himself "the next George Lucas" (why he'd want to emulate GL I have no idea), and started filming things on his own using super-8 film including this classic, SPACE COPS. Watch this film. It has everything anyone would want in a film. While watching, please take special note in the amazing special fx! Mr. Benedikty hand scratched, frame by frame, every effect you see here; the laser gun blasts and the laser-swords(trademark) by scatching the emulsion and painting each frame of film by hand, just like George Lucas did for Star Wars. Go get yourself some popcorn, sit back and let Eagal Productions take you to another galaxy which is very, very far away...

SPACE COPS!!!
1 kabillion apologies for the quality of the footage. It is a super-8 transfer
to 1/2" video which has then been transferred to video a number of
times and now digitized and compressed.

Mr. Benedikty says, in the credits, that the soundtrack is unavailable. DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE! I'm sure someone has a SPACE COPS soundtrack bit torrent somewhere.

MONKEY DISCOVERS PORTAL?

I received a disturbing email from Andrew Duncan, the Dirty Little Kid (aka Monkey) recently. Here's what he wrote:

5 words all baby's [sic] say:
Neh = hungry
Owh = sleepy
Heh = discomfort
Eair = lower gas
Eh = burp

Oops, that's another email from him. This is the disturbing email I meant to transcribe:

"Checking out google earth and what do I see two blocks from my house? I don't fucking know...what this is..?"

He then attached the following Google Earth pictures:


I promptly asked Andrew for some follow-up investigating. "GET DOWN TO THAT SITE IMMEDIATELY BEFORE WE ESPLODE! I wanna know everything! What it is. What it wants! I wanna know if it has a favourite colour! Is it friendly? Does it have any connections to terrorist groups?!? Is it a time warp? FIND OUT NOW DAMMIT!"

Andrew, being the amazing Halfsquatch reporter he is, took the coordinates and made his way to the anomalous site and came back with the following shocking photographs:

Our ace reporter writes: "Here is more evidence, I forgot to get the street address...I think it might have something to do with the Satellite TV dish, it's on the right corner...?"

I'm not sure if it is on the right corner or not. It may be on the wrong corner but Halfsquatch will be monitoring this location day and night from now on and will bring you exclusive up-to-the-minute reportaging on this strange phenomenon. WE ARE ON IT FOR YOU!

CAN WE TALK OLIVES FOR A MINUTE?

I'm not a HUGE olive fan like David Cassidy is well known for, but I do enjoy an olive or two, here and there. One day, the maid brought us some groceries and there were these packages of olives. I opened one of the packages and WHAM! The best god damn olives I've ever eaten. A friend of mine, Heisenberg, was over and he popped one into his mouth and said "Hey, these are really good olives." If you're as huge an olive fan as David Cassidy, then you are going to go banuclear over Crespo's Pitted Green Olives. GO GET 'EM!

David Cassidy sits on his corvette, day-dreaming of olives

STRAPPING YOUNG LAD

Last century, Craig McEwen and I were commissioned to create a music video for STRAPPING YOUNG LAD's single "Detox." We shot this in a crappy warehouse in New Westminster. The drummer for SYL is Gene Hoglan and while setting up for the video and I was putting Gene's drum kit together when John Dryden, our DOP, came up to me and said "You should put some Brasso on those [cymbals]. It'll shine 'em up real good. I saw some [cymbals] shined up real nice on another music video and they used Brasso. Go get some Brasso or you're an idiot." I took his advice because he said he had used Brasso on the cymbals for Sex With Nixon's "Sally's Ride" music video and they did shine nicely, so I went and got some Brasso. Just after applying a coat of Brasso to each cymbal, Gene comes into the "studio" and inspects his drum kit. He sees me buffing the cymbals and asks, "What are you using? What's this white shit?" I tell him "Brasso." He says to me "Tell me you're joking." Keep in mind that the man is a very HUGE intimidating man with a skull-capped cane and a drummer for the death metal bands "Death", "Dark Angel" and even drummed for "Slayer." I say "No, I'm not joking...err..." He shook his head and said that I had just ruined his cymbals. That felt really good. Afterwards, John Dryden came up to me and said "Uhhh, yeah, maybe it was something else we used."

SPY TV ZOMBIE ATTACK

I remember seeing this when it aired and thought that it was one of the best video pranks ever pulled. It still holds up pretty good!

GRADE 12 GANGLORDS GROWS!

1. Get out your grade 12 year book!
2. Scan your picture!
3. Send me your jpg (johnnydarrell@shaw.ca) along with the name of your school, its whereabouts and the year.
4. Bookmark this page and keep checking in on it to see how the gr.12 gang grows!!!

Look who's already joined the club and is ready to kick some serious grade 9 butt!!!


What a formidable roster! I can't wait to see who else has THE GUTS! to join The Grade 12's.
I look forward to seeing John Dryden's logo design for this BRUTAL gang of ours.

"MAGIC" GRILLED CHEESE

Can we talk grilled cheese sangwiches for a moment? If you're anything like me, then you love grilled cheese sangwiches. I'm really into eating them. I'm into making them, and I'm into eating them. Kamala is always saying to me, "Hey guy, can you slap a couple of grilled cheese sandwiches on the pan for Kai and I?" and then Kai runs around in circles in anticipation for one of my sangwiches yelling "Can you make mine a magic inside-out?" That's right. MAGIC. INSIDE- OUT. Now a magician never gives away his trick but I'm not a magician. This is a magician:


So now that we know that I'm not a magician of any sort, I will reveal my MAGIC INSIDE OUT GRILLED CHEESE SANGWICH directions.

1. Take two slabs of bread. Butter one side of each slice.
2. Make some thin slices of cheddar (DO NOT USE PROCESS CHEESE FOOD) and put them aside.
3. Grill the buttered side of both slabs of bread at the same time until they are golden brown.
4. Take the grilled bread out of the pan and put them onto a plate, grilled side facing up.
5. Immediately put the cheese onto the hot grilled bread and put the other piece of bread, grilled side down onto the cheese.
6. Let sit for a moment so that the cheese melts.
7. Eat your Magic Inside-Out grilled cheese sangwich.

You might say "uhhhh..." and what I say to that is this:

1. Your fingers don't get greasy.
2. The bread's outer layer is soft and steamed with a crispy centre.

Kai said to me "It's like biting into a cloud and then eating an angel!" Now I tell you, it doesn't get any more magical than that...unless that angel was riding a winged unicorn.

Your typical, traditional, run-of-the-mill
grilled cheese sangwich served barbarian-style.

Halfsquatch's dignified, refined and
classier version of the same sangwich.

UNCLE MARK'S 2007 GIFT GUIDE & ALMANAC

Each year "Uncle Mark" releases a guide which reviews all the major consumer technology products and gives his ONE favorite pick in each category... not the "17 top digital cameras", but the ONE camera that you should buy. I may not agree with everything mentioned in here and you might not either, but if you're looking for an x-mas gift and don't really know what which of what to get, maybe Uncle Mark can make your shopping easier. It's a free PDF download so check it out!

click image!

NEW SASQUATCH BOOK

FINALLY! A complete study on the subject by an actual scientist with substantial credentials!!!! There are lots of good sasquatch books out there, but most are written by enthusiasts with little scientific background. Written by Dr. Jeff Meldrum (Associate Professor of Anatomy and Anthropology at Idaho State University), this book "takes an objective look at the facts in a field mined with hoaxes and sensationalism. Meldrum reports on the work of a team of experts from a wide variety of fields who were assembled to examine the evidence for a large, yet undiscovered, North American primate. He reviews the long history of this mystery--which long predates the "bigfoot" flap of the late fifties--and explains all the scientific pros and cons in a clear and accessible style, amplified by over 150 illustrations. Anyone who has pondered the mysteries of human evolution will be fascinated and eager to join Dr. Meldrum in drawing their own conclusion."



"Jeff Meldrum's book 'Sasquatch: Legend Meets Science' brings a much needed level of scientific analysis to the Sasquatch - or Bigfoot - debate. Does Sasquatch exist? There are countless people - especially indigenous people - in different parts of America who claim to have seen such a creature. And in many parts of the world I meet those who, in a matter-of-fact way, tell me of their encounters with large, bipedal, tail-less hominids. I think I have read every article and every book about these creatures, and while most scientists are not satisfied with existing evidence, I have an open mind." -- Dr. Jane Goodall

ANIMISM & THE ART OF LEO LABELLE

In 2001 I produced, directed, shot and edited a 20-minute documentary about an surrealist artist from Agassi, BC. This documentary takes a look at a man who raced hot rods in the 60's, paints and sculpts surrealistic, "trippy" art, has psychic visions, has been abducted by aliens, will NOT disrespect slugs, and tries to figure out why the universe planned to have his one pet ferret go missing one-year-to-the-day-later after his most beloved pet ferret drowned.

Here is the opening sequence to the documentary...

click on poster for Quicktime (04:00 - 9 mb)

Special thanks to Greg Richardson for some excellent additional camera work and Andrew Duncan for overall assistance and gumption on the main shoot.

MANMELTER 3600ZX

When WETA makes these available next year I'm getting one. I don't know how much it'll cost me but I'm getting one. Then I'll go laser-blast a hole into George Bush's (aka Ming the Merciless') cock and balls. Or melt him--whatever it does to people. Look at the metal case it comes in?!?!? Are you kidding me? I bet the sound of George Bush's cock and balls being ezapervicerated into smithereens (or melting) is pretty cool. I bet it sounds like this: click


Here's just one testimonial for the ManMelter 3600ZX:

20 July 06 - "When I received my ManMelter for use on my trip to the rain forests of Vasplurgia, I blew my left leg off at the hip. Marvelous invention!"
-Major. Alfred Beardlington

Check out their site and see the other rayguns they're producing just for me and you:
http://www.wetanz.com/updates/rayguns/index.html

SASQUATCH 911 CALL

This is a couple of years old but it still pretty cool. A Washington state resident (who wished to remain anonymous) calls 911 when his motion-detecting spotlights turned on and he spotted "someone or something" running across his yard. Listen to his sense of concern and then how startled he gets when he sees the "son of a bitch" and then how bemufflified he gets when he's asked to explain to the dispatch officer what this guy looks like. You can almost hear the guy's adrenaline rising, smell his fear and taste his confusion. The audio has been edited to remove gaps of silence and to protect his identity.

click bigfoot for mp3 recording

To hear more recordings of howls, yips and what-not, CLICK HERE!

CURSED TIKIS!

Check out this find! I was walking through Valu-Village one afternoon when an employee was walking towards me. In her hand she held something that kinda looked like a tiki mug so I stopped her and demanded to know where she was going with it. She said "please, sir, you're hurting my arm. I'm just going to put it on that shelf over there." I told her that she need not waste any more footwork and that I'm commandeering the vessel. It was ugly--the mug, not the situation. I thought to myself, should I get this thing? It's pretty bad. It looked like a home-jobber that some wise-cracker was trying to pull off but then I thought, well at least it's one-of-a-kind. When I brought it home, Kamala looked at it and said that it was really ugly and that I really didn't need it. I told her "yeah, but it's one-of-a-kind." She grabbed it from my hands and was about to smash it on the floor but something stopped her and she looked at it more closely and then said "Hey, this is a Trader Vics." I grabbed it from her and looked and yes, it was! In relief, on the back-side of this ugly mug were the faint words "Trader Vics." SCORE!

Other scores include this classic mug from legendary San Fran (defunct) tiki bar "Tiki Bobs." I got this bad boy from a second-hand store/cobbler shop on Main Street for 5 clams.

From the Book Of Tiki: "....“Sneaky” Bob Bryant had worked as Trader Vic’s bar manager, but when they had a falling out in 1955, Bob moved down a block from the Trader’s Cosmo Place location and opened his own watering hole...
...The Sneaky Tiki was the specialty of the house, and the Super Sneaky Tiki was served in the signature mug that was yours to take home."

This next tiki was found at an antique shop in New Westminster. It has mother-of-pearl eyes and a maori influence.


I did a little googling about the S.S. Mariposa and found out that it was originally a cargo ship that was converted into a luxury passenger ship. Her maiden voyage was from San Francisco to Sydney, by way of Honolulu and Auckland on October 27, 1956! From what I've found this ship had a real tiki/polynesian theme and I suspect that this tiki was a gift to all (or some) of the ship's first passengers.
Finally, I bring you this decanter of Hawaiian screech. It is from a Hawaiian distillery and is hand-crafted out of lava. It's still half-full of Okolehao. To get at the nectar, one lifts the top piece off (where it reads "Hawaiian"). There is supposed to be a base that it sits on and this base doubled as an ashtray.
I was rummaging around a garage sale one morning in North Vancouver and I spotted it poking out of a box that a man was carrying out. I stopped the man and asked what the deal was. He said, "Please, sir, you're hurting my arm" so I loosened my grip (slightly) and told him to speak up! He told me that it once belonged to Warren Beatty when he rented a house in N. Van during the production of McCabe & Mrs. Miller (1971). According to legend, Beatty and Robert Altman were busy re-writing some scenes for the script one evening when the two men heard a ground-level window breaking. Altman quickly grabbed all the writings and locked himself into the bathroom. He was so scared that it has been said that he not only hyperventilated and passed out, but he wet himself. Warren on the other hand, wasn't going to go out like a little boy and decided to investigate. He grabbed the heftiest object he could find, a near-full-bottle of just opened Okolehao, and headed downstairs. Warren found the scallywag busy routing through some boxes and quietly sneaked up on the hood (turns out that sneaking up quietly wasn't necessary because the rogue was deaf) and clobbered him over the head with the decanter (this is where the crack came from). The louse collapsed "like a wet sack of boiled spuds" and Warren called the police.

don't even try to tread on Warren

The man said that his brother, who has since passed on, was the owner of the house that Warren had rented and he had saved a bunch of stuff that Warren used or left behind, but these items had all been cherry-picked by his family, except for this decanter. Which I now own. If some scuzzbucket ever tries to break into my place, I'll pull a "Warren" on the ratfink with this thing and kick some butt!

ROCKETBELTS!!

How cool would it be to go to a rocketbelt convention? This cool:

It may not look like a great amount but what this picture doesn't show is the height of how cool it is. Believe me, it is quite high.

"To date, only 11 men in history have free-flown a rocketbelt. More men have walked on the moon."

From Sept. 22-24 of this year, The Niagara Aerospace Museum hosted the first ever Rocketbelt Convention. A convention designed entirely around the jetpack. I'd love to have gone.

Here's a short but good article on the convention and a brief history of the rocketbelt.

Be sure to click on the video link. There's some awesome footage of 43-year-old former stuntman Eric Scott flying a rocketbelt across a city block, 40 feet in the air. CRAZY!

Here's a flickr set of photos too.

SCIENTISTS TELEPORT MATTER

Scientists have finally teleported matter over a considerable distance.
http://www.cnn.com/2006/TECH/science/10/04/teleportation.reut/index.html

If you like teleportation and what-have-you, then you'll love Gordon R. Dickson's 1949 classic "Time To Teleport." Dickson was the poor man's Philip K. Dick. His views about the future gave his pulp novels an air of believeability and urgency; putting his readers in situations where reality is not clearly defined. He explores the power of the brain, life, death, religion, culture and love and put all this in a dark setting that created a provocative view of the world as we now know it. In his book, "Time To Teleport" Dickson went beyond the status quo and offered a novel unlike anything written at the time.


Time To Teleport is the story of two men "at ease" with each other. In the futuristic society that they inhabit, homosexuals are bannished from terra firma have to live under the sea in a clear see-through domes. One particular day, Zacharia and Tumen, suddenly get a surprise visitation from a woman who calls herself "The Honey Sucker." She seems pleasant enough but a bit unnerving as she is just a floating decapitated head. The men are powerless as to when and where she'll appear. She just pops in whenever she wants and watches them with an eerie silence. The men try everything in their power to reason with her but find themselves at a complete loss until they resort to violence. In sheer desperation, Tumen, with a mop, climbs on Zacharia's shoulders and tries to "whap!" the detached head without success. The men try everything until they are driven crazy and the two lovers turn on each other in a fight to the death!! At the time, a scene like this was radical and unmatched in any other bout of literature, but today, it holds chilling relevance. If you can pick up a copy of this book, DO SO. It is an awesome suspense sci-fi thriller.

JOHN DRYDEN IS HALFSQUATCH!

How awesome is this? John Dryden was on a commercial shoot yesterday for Kokannee beer. Yet another "episode" of the Park Ranger chasing down the beer-snatching sasquatch. Due to an injury, the stuntman wasn't able to continue on as Sasquatch and the producers needed a back-up plan. John Dryden, the key grip for this production, came to the rescue. Halfsquatch had an exclusive interview with John, the sasquatch-come-lately late last night:

Halfsquatch: Tell us how you got to wear the suit?

John Dryden: The stuntman who was hired to be the Kokannee Sasquatch, slipped on a wet rock by the river about 7 takes into the start of our day. I could see that everyone was desperately trying to figure out what we were going to do, so I said "I'll put the suit on and do the rest." "How tall are you?" they asked. 6'2" I said. "Alright" they said. So I put on the suit which was wet and clammy from the stunt guy's tumble into the drink and then I had to run by and knock this guys cereal out of his hand as I am running away from the Ranger with a stolen case of Kokannee.

HS: Is that it? Just one shot?

JD: No, I am also seen running down stream as the ranger is apologizing to the guy. I had to run along the river bed rocks in this suit for what I was told was 18 takes.

HS: Why no mask?

JD: A couple of things. First off, they had shot all their front shots with the stuntman. After he bailed, all the shots of the sasquatch were from the backside so I didn't need to wear it. Also, the stuntman's face was all creepy and I didn't want to wear his sweat. Also, for safety reasons. Safety first everyone, that's my motto: Safety First for fuck's sake.

HS: Any chance of making this your career full time?

JD: No. Look, this is a really boring interview.

HS: Yes it is, I couldn't agree with you more so I'm going to wrap it up with one last question. Anything else interesting happen on the shoot?

JD: No. That's it. But after we were wrapped I got flipped over on an ATV and the driver kicked me in the balls as we fell.

BURGER KING: THE MOVIE

It's about time! I'm not a movie fanatic like my friends Gio or Monkey, but I do like good movies, so when I caught wind of a scoop like this, I started to do some research. Here's what I dug up.

1. Warner Brothers are making a film with the working title Burger King: The Movie.
2. Dave Navarro is in talks with WB about the lead role as Sir Angus, the Burger King.
3. There have been 2 or 3 story ideas flying around.
4. There is no director attached to the movie as of yet, however rumour has it that Michel Gondry has been approached. When I heard the premis of this movie, I thought, yup, Michel would suit this (more on this in a moment). Spike Lee too would be a good choice in director but I don't know if he's been approached or not. Also, it seems like a cheap rip-off of Being John Malkovich so I doubt he'll want anything to do with it.
5. WB wants to release this movie in the summer of 2008 and gearing it for PG-13.

Look at the pictures below. I think Dave Navarro would be a good choice for Sir Angus.


So what is the premis of this radically intense summer blockbuster? Here's what managed to find out. Set in the near future, a hobo discovers a quantum leaping-type temporal displacement machine (kind of looks like a jet-pack/back-pack). The hobo manages to figure out how control it but due to the complexities of the machine, can't control it well. On one of the hobo's many morning walks, he finds a film crew shooting a Burger King commercial. The hobo decides to try and use his new gadget, sneak onto set "invisibly" and make off with the craft-service goods. In using the machine, he temporally displaces himself into the actor playing the Burger King mascot, Sir Angus (Dave Navarro). When things go haywire with the temporal displacement machine, Sir Angus and the hobo become infused with each other. From what I can tell, this is not a "Freaky Friday" type thing. It seems to be more along the lines of Invasion of the Body Snatchers only Dave Navarro isn't really cloned by an alien parasite, but by a local hobo. That's all I know. I'm sure some of these details are still being worked out and like I said, there's more than one idea flying around. I will keep you up to date with any further announcements on Burger King: The Movie.

COLIN BEADLE ART SHOW

Your pal Beadle had a showing of his new line of paintings at Voltage on Main St. Congrats Beadle and top marks on yet another great series!

the master with one of his larger pieces and a fine sarsaparilla

everyone wants a picture of the master

the window to the master's soul

Lawson makes a Vancouver appearance before heading off to
London to work on the movie version of The Golden Compass.

Greg thinks soooo hard about stuff that a snake slithers
out of his head.

Gamble and Raspy don't like you...

...but the Master, Hopkins and Bonnie do

After the show I really needed some soup. I ordered roasted apple and onion and it was fine, thank you.