HALFSQUATCH HOW TO DO SOMETHING #1: HOW TO MAKE A MOOSE CALL

In the wilds of Canada there are giant cow-deer creatures called moose. Though once savage, vicious meat-eating creatures, thanks to global warming and yoga, they have become extremely docile and vegetarian. The best thing about a moose is their flavour. But due to their sudden shyness, the moose have become very hard to find. So on one hand we got ourselves a soothing relief knowing that they're no longer prowling our sidewalks looking for our flesh to feast upon.

Two Clinton-era moose stalking early-bird
shoppers at a Wal-Mart in Boise, ID.

On the other, they're now reluctant to enter into city limits thereby making their flesh a rare treat. So how do we lure them back? With mating calls and here's how to make one of your own.

STEP 1: Buy a tube of Pringles. You can get these chip-like treats at any super-market or convenient store. For this project, I went to a 7-11 and grabbed a tube of "sour cream and onion." The flavour you choose is entirely up to you as the chip-like snacks themselves are not needed for the making of the moose caller.

STEP 2: Remove the chip-like wafers. How you choose to do so is, again, up to you. Pouring some out in a bowl to snack on while making your moose call might be a good idea. This is what I did. You may want to call a friend or family member to help you munch on these "thin-credible" chip-like edibles. Just remember, the more people you share them with, the less of them for you to enjoy.

STEP 3: Puncture a hole into the bottom of the tube. You will want to use a hammer and something pointy. My hammer was being used elsewhere so I improvised and used my camera.


STEP 4: Insert a nice thick shoe-lace through the hole. Pull the shoe-lace out the top of the tube and tie a nice big giant knot. Pull the lace so that the knot goes back into the tube until the knot slams itself against the bottom of the tube. What's happening here is that the knot is waaay too big to be pulled through the hole you've made. There's no way the lace is getting out the way it went in.

STEP 5: Now that you have a secured lace-line (as I like to call it) in place, dip the lace itself into some water, soaking it. Ring out excess water so that it is moist but not dripping wet.

STEP 6: Go outside.

STEP 7: Holding the tube in one hand (I'm right-handed so I hold the tube in my left hand), pinch the lace between your index finger and thumb. Slide your hand/fingers back away from the tube so that there is some resistance. The vibrations caused by the friction will travel through the tube creating a sound that is so chilling you won't be able to breath and your back might ache.

You can do short little bursts or big long bursts depending on your mating call needs. I like both. Your neighbours won't like either.

STEP 8: Continue repeating steps 5, 6 & 7 for as long as you like.