Wednesday, November 25, 2009


To whom it may concern,

RE: Ocean Adventure Force

I saw your ad recently placed on Craigslist and was hoping you could help me as I have exhausted all traditional forms of assistance and wasted a lot of time and money trying to use ‘normal’ channels. To most people this will sound strange and maybe even made up, but I’m hoping from your ad that you will firstly believe me, and more importantly be able to help me. So here it is:

On weekends I volunteer at the Vancouver Aquarium where I help translate bubble patterns produced by Pacific Bottlenose dolphins (Tursiops truncate of the Delpinidae genus). Although still in its infancy as a scientific medium and not recognised by any major body I have devoted the last 12 years of my life to creating a language based on the patterns and can now confidently say that I can communicate with the dolphins in a rudimentary fashion. To get to the point; over the past 7 months the dolphins have been getting more and more agitated and expressive so using my patented translating device I have managed to deduce that there is something both very scary but also fantastical about to happen. What this event is, and how it can be linked to the dolphins is something I have yet to discover, however what I do know is that it involves Scallops and a little known (or understood) microbe called Filius Nullius which roughly translates as ‘The Bastard’. This microbe has the ability to enter a creature and alter its genetic structures in such a way that can be either beneficial, or detrimental to the creature involved. However it should be noted that numerous studies into its behaviour show beyond doubt (approximately 98.9% of the time) it is detrimental, hence it got its name.

If you think you can help avert this impending disaster and would like to know more then we should meet sooner rather than later as time is of the essence. Also you should be aware my funds are limited as I have already used up most of my available sources of income (including exhaustive prostitution and medical testing) and my body is now all but spent, however if you are who you say you are then the information you have just seen should kindle the kind of interest that demeans any kind of financial recuperation.

Yours in confidence,

[name not printed for privacy]

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