MANMELTER 3600ZX

When WETA makes these available next year I'm getting one. I don't know how much it'll cost me but I'm getting one. Then I'll go laser-blast a hole into George Bush's (aka Ming the Merciless') cock and balls. Or melt him--whatever it does to people. Look at the metal case it comes in?!?!? Are you kidding me? I bet the sound of George Bush's cock and balls being ezapervicerated into smithereens (or melting) is pretty cool. I bet it sounds like this: click


Here's just one testimonial for the ManMelter 3600ZX:

20 July 06 - "When I received my ManMelter for use on my trip to the rain forests of Vasplurgia, I blew my left leg off at the hip. Marvelous invention!"
-Major. Alfred Beardlington

Check out their site and see the other rayguns they're producing just for me and you:
http://www.wetanz.com/updates/rayguns/index.html

SASQUATCH 911 CALL

This is a couple of years old but it still pretty cool. A Washington state resident (who wished to remain anonymous) calls 911 when his motion-detecting spotlights turned on and he spotted "someone or something" running across his yard. Listen to his sense of concern and then how startled he gets when he sees the "son of a bitch" and then how bemufflified he gets when he's asked to explain to the dispatch officer what this guy looks like. You can almost hear the guy's adrenaline rising, smell his fear and taste his confusion. The audio has been edited to remove gaps of silence and to protect his identity.

click bigfoot for mp3 recording

To hear more recordings of howls, yips and what-not, CLICK HERE!

CURSED TIKIS!

Check out this find! I was walking through Valu-Village one afternoon when an employee was walking towards me. In her hand she held something that kinda looked like a tiki mug so I stopped her and demanded to know where she was going with it. She said "please, sir, you're hurting my arm. I'm just going to put it on that shelf over there." I told her that she need not waste any more footwork and that I'm commandeering the vessel. It was ugly--the mug, not the situation. I thought to myself, should I get this thing? It's pretty bad. It looked like a home-jobber that some wise-cracker was trying to pull off but then I thought, well at least it's one-of-a-kind. When I brought it home, Kamala looked at it and said that it was really ugly and that I really didn't need it. I told her "yeah, but it's one-of-a-kind." She grabbed it from my hands and was about to smash it on the floor but something stopped her and she looked at it more closely and then said "Hey, this is a Trader Vics." I grabbed it from her and looked and yes, it was! In relief, on the back-side of this ugly mug were the faint words "Trader Vics." SCORE!

Other scores include this classic mug from legendary San Fran (defunct) tiki bar "Tiki Bobs." I got this bad boy from a second-hand store/cobbler shop on Main Street for 5 clams.

From the Book Of Tiki: "....“Sneaky” Bob Bryant had worked as Trader Vic’s bar manager, but when they had a falling out in 1955, Bob moved down a block from the Trader’s Cosmo Place location and opened his own watering hole...
...The Sneaky Tiki was the specialty of the house, and the Super Sneaky Tiki was served in the signature mug that was yours to take home."

This next tiki was found at an antique shop in New Westminster. It has mother-of-pearl eyes and a maori influence.


I did a little googling about the S.S. Mariposa and found out that it was originally a cargo ship that was converted into a luxury passenger ship. Her maiden voyage was from San Francisco to Sydney, by way of Honolulu and Auckland on October 27, 1956! From what I've found this ship had a real tiki/polynesian theme and I suspect that this tiki was a gift to all (or some) of the ship's first passengers.
Finally, I bring you this decanter of Hawaiian screech. It is from a Hawaiian distillery and is hand-crafted out of lava. It's still half-full of Okolehao. To get at the nectar, one lifts the top piece off (where it reads "Hawaiian"). There is supposed to be a base that it sits on and this base doubled as an ashtray.
I was rummaging around a garage sale one morning in North Vancouver and I spotted it poking out of a box that a man was carrying out. I stopped the man and asked what the deal was. He said, "Please, sir, you're hurting my arm" so I loosened my grip (slightly) and told him to speak up! He told me that it once belonged to Warren Beatty when he rented a house in N. Van during the production of McCabe & Mrs. Miller (1971). According to legend, Beatty and Robert Altman were busy re-writing some scenes for the script one evening when the two men heard a ground-level window breaking. Altman quickly grabbed all the writings and locked himself into the bathroom. He was so scared that it has been said that he not only hyperventilated and passed out, but he wet himself. Warren on the other hand, wasn't going to go out like a little boy and decided to investigate. He grabbed the heftiest object he could find, a near-full-bottle of just opened Okolehao, and headed downstairs. Warren found the scallywag busy routing through some boxes and quietly sneaked up on the hood (turns out that sneaking up quietly wasn't necessary because the rogue was deaf) and clobbered him over the head with the decanter (this is where the crack came from). The louse collapsed "like a wet sack of boiled spuds" and Warren called the police.

don't even try to tread on Warren

The man said that his brother, who has since passed on, was the owner of the house that Warren had rented and he had saved a bunch of stuff that Warren used or left behind, but these items had all been cherry-picked by his family, except for this decanter. Which I now own. If some scuzzbucket ever tries to break into my place, I'll pull a "Warren" on the ratfink with this thing and kick some butt!

ROCKETBELTS!!

How cool would it be to go to a rocketbelt convention? This cool:

It may not look like a great amount but what this picture doesn't show is the height of how cool it is. Believe me, it is quite high.

"To date, only 11 men in history have free-flown a rocketbelt. More men have walked on the moon."

From Sept. 22-24 of this year, The Niagara Aerospace Museum hosted the first ever Rocketbelt Convention. A convention designed entirely around the jetpack. I'd love to have gone.

Here's a short but good article on the convention and a brief history of the rocketbelt.

Be sure to click on the video link. There's some awesome footage of 43-year-old former stuntman Eric Scott flying a rocketbelt across a city block, 40 feet in the air. CRAZY!

Here's a flickr set of photos too.

SCIENTISTS TELEPORT MATTER

Scientists have finally teleported matter over a considerable distance.
http://www.cnn.com/2006/TECH/science/10/04/teleportation.reut/index.html

If you like teleportation and what-have-you, then you'll love Gordon R. Dickson's 1949 classic "Time To Teleport." Dickson was the poor man's Philip K. Dick. His views about the future gave his pulp novels an air of believeability and urgency; putting his readers in situations where reality is not clearly defined. He explores the power of the brain, life, death, religion, culture and love and put all this in a dark setting that created a provocative view of the world as we now know it. In his book, "Time To Teleport" Dickson went beyond the status quo and offered a novel unlike anything written at the time.


Time To Teleport is the story of two men "at ease" with each other. In the futuristic society that they inhabit, homosexuals are bannished from terra firma have to live under the sea in a clear see-through domes. One particular day, Zacharia and Tumen, suddenly get a surprise visitation from a woman who calls herself "The Honey Sucker." She seems pleasant enough but a bit unnerving as she is just a floating decapitated head. The men are powerless as to when and where she'll appear. She just pops in whenever she wants and watches them with an eerie silence. The men try everything in their power to reason with her but find themselves at a complete loss until they resort to violence. In sheer desperation, Tumen, with a mop, climbs on Zacharia's shoulders and tries to "whap!" the detached head without success. The men try everything until they are driven crazy and the two lovers turn on each other in a fight to the death!! At the time, a scene like this was radical and unmatched in any other bout of literature, but today, it holds chilling relevance. If you can pick up a copy of this book, DO SO. It is an awesome suspense sci-fi thriller.

JOHN DRYDEN IS HALFSQUATCH!

How awesome is this? John Dryden was on a commercial shoot yesterday for Kokannee beer. Yet another "episode" of the Park Ranger chasing down the beer-snatching sasquatch. Due to an injury, the stuntman wasn't able to continue on as Sasquatch and the producers needed a back-up plan. John Dryden, the key grip for this production, came to the rescue. Halfsquatch had an exclusive interview with John, the sasquatch-come-lately late last night:

Halfsquatch: Tell us how you got to wear the suit?

John Dryden: The stuntman who was hired to be the Kokannee Sasquatch, slipped on a wet rock by the river about 7 takes into the start of our day. I could see that everyone was desperately trying to figure out what we were going to do, so I said "I'll put the suit on and do the rest." "How tall are you?" they asked. 6'2" I said. "Alright" they said. So I put on the suit which was wet and clammy from the stunt guy's tumble into the drink and then I had to run by and knock this guys cereal out of his hand as I am running away from the Ranger with a stolen case of Kokannee.

HS: Is that it? Just one shot?

JD: No, I am also seen running down stream as the ranger is apologizing to the guy. I had to run along the river bed rocks in this suit for what I was told was 18 takes.

HS: Why no mask?

JD: A couple of things. First off, they had shot all their front shots with the stuntman. After he bailed, all the shots of the sasquatch were from the backside so I didn't need to wear it. Also, the stuntman's face was all creepy and I didn't want to wear his sweat. Also, for safety reasons. Safety first everyone, that's my motto: Safety First for fuck's sake.

HS: Any chance of making this your career full time?

JD: No. Look, this is a really boring interview.

HS: Yes it is, I couldn't agree with you more so I'm going to wrap it up with one last question. Anything else interesting happen on the shoot?

JD: No. That's it. But after we were wrapped I got flipped over on an ATV and the driver kicked me in the balls as we fell.

BURGER KING: THE MOVIE

It's about time! I'm not a movie fanatic like my friends Gio or Monkey, but I do like good movies, so when I caught wind of a scoop like this, I started to do some research. Here's what I dug up.

1. Warner Brothers are making a film with the working title Burger King: The Movie.
2. Dave Navarro is in talks with WB about the lead role as Sir Angus, the Burger King.
3. There have been 2 or 3 story ideas flying around.
4. There is no director attached to the movie as of yet, however rumour has it that Michel Gondry has been approached. When I heard the premis of this movie, I thought, yup, Michel would suit this (more on this in a moment). Spike Lee too would be a good choice in director but I don't know if he's been approached or not. Also, it seems like a cheap rip-off of Being John Malkovich so I doubt he'll want anything to do with it.
5. WB wants to release this movie in the summer of 2008 and gearing it for PG-13.

Look at the pictures below. I think Dave Navarro would be a good choice for Sir Angus.


So what is the premis of this radically intense summer blockbuster? Here's what managed to find out. Set in the near future, a hobo discovers a quantum leaping-type temporal displacement machine (kind of looks like a jet-pack/back-pack). The hobo manages to figure out how control it but due to the complexities of the machine, can't control it well. On one of the hobo's many morning walks, he finds a film crew shooting a Burger King commercial. The hobo decides to try and use his new gadget, sneak onto set "invisibly" and make off with the craft-service goods. In using the machine, he temporally displaces himself into the actor playing the Burger King mascot, Sir Angus (Dave Navarro). When things go haywire with the temporal displacement machine, Sir Angus and the hobo become infused with each other. From what I can tell, this is not a "Freaky Friday" type thing. It seems to be more along the lines of Invasion of the Body Snatchers only Dave Navarro isn't really cloned by an alien parasite, but by a local hobo. That's all I know. I'm sure some of these details are still being worked out and like I said, there's more than one idea flying around. I will keep you up to date with any further announcements on Burger King: The Movie.

COLIN BEADLE ART SHOW

Your pal Beadle had a showing of his new line of paintings at Voltage on Main St. Congrats Beadle and top marks on yet another great series!

the master with one of his larger pieces and a fine sarsaparilla

everyone wants a picture of the master

the window to the master's soul

Lawson makes a Vancouver appearance before heading off to
London to work on the movie version of The Golden Compass.

Greg thinks soooo hard about stuff that a snake slithers
out of his head.

Gamble and Raspy don't like you...

...but the Master, Hopkins and Bonnie do

After the show I really needed some soup. I ordered roasted apple and onion and it was fine, thank you.

YETI WIP

How awesome is this? Too rich for my blood but man do I really want this one-of-a-kind promotional painting for Topps Wacky Packages.

H.M.C.S. FOG-DUCKER

When I was a kid, my dad was invited by some work-mates to enter a "crazy boat race." The main rule for the race was that the vessel had to be human powered. Their craft was crappy and they ended up sinking. But my dad thought that he'd enter the next year's race with a craft of his own and he invited his friends to be his team.

The H.M.C.S. Fog-Ducker and its hearty crew in action along

the beautiful but unforgiving rocky shores of the Credit River!

My dad approached a local liberal candidate for sponsorship (I think the guy coughed up 200 clams) and hired a welder to build the craft out of oil drums. My dad designed it to look something like a submarine with pontoons on the side for stability. He painted it up and put the liberal candidate's name on it. I don't know if this guy had any idea that he'd be sponsoring a boat called the Fog-Ducker. At that time, being a kid, I just thought it was called that because, being like a submarine, it could literally duck the fog.

My dad had team "I'm With Stupid" t-shirts made for his crew, designating himself as "Stupid" and entered the H.M.C.S. Fog-Ducker into the race. The competition was fierce. The Fog-Ducker was up against a floating army jeep complete with working water-cannon, a giant floating mousetrap, some stupid toilet raft which sunk right away, and about 50 other boats (as far as I can remember). The Fog-Ducker was perfectly designed and easily took first-place and won the coveted trophy.

When they got home, they had a party and decided to phone the local newspaper "The Banner" to see if they wanted the story. They bit and the H.M.C.S. Fog-Ducker and its crew were featured front-page. I imagine that the editor of The Banner thought that it was called the Fog-Ducker because it could literally duck the fog.

The proud winners stand for their newspaper
photo-op. The anchor-man, Gary Luker (far right)
actually broke his leg climbing into the Fog-Ducker
for this photo. He stood on it for 10 seconds and
then had to be taken to the hospital.

The following year, my father had entered the vessel into another crazy river race. Unfortunately, this river was deadly with crippling rapids and a couple of drastic drops. The H.M.C.S. Fog-Ducker buckled and collapsed into a crumpled heap of scrap, killing all crew but my father who was dragged half-drowned, but alive!, to shore by a kind beaver. The television show "Real People" had actually filmed that year's race and everyone got together for a party to watch and see if the deadly crash or even a glimps of the Fog-Ducker made it to telelvision. It was not to be as the producers of the show knew that the name Fog-Ducker had nothing to do with being able to duck the fog.

HIS DARK MATERIALS

I finally finished a trilogy of books by Philip Pullman called His Dark Materials. What an awesome trilogy (despite how terrible the North American covers are--by far, the first two books win the lamest, gayest jacket art ever, hands down--who commissioned these and worse, who approved these disasters?!?!?!). Book 1, The Golden Compass and Book 2, The Subtle Knife are incredible. Book 3, The Amber Spyglass started off good and has some really cool things in it but I hated it two-thirds of the way through and it started up a whole new arc that was completely stupid. Pullman really blew it with the final book but the first two books are soooo fucking good that you'll just have to finish the trilogy off.

8.5 out of 10 for the gayest book cover ever

11 out of 10 for the gayest book cover ever!
Look at it! It's terrible!!!!


1 out of 10 for the gayest book cover ever.
At least this cover actually relates to what
awaits the reader.

These books are for younger kids; tween-agers and up, but Pullman doesn't really hold anything back. If you like Harry Potter, but want something a bit edgier and more daring, then these books are perfect. The main hero, Lyra, a tom-boyish scamp, smokes, drinks wine and pukes. There's tons of blood and death. Fighting, magic (but not Wizard-like hokus-pokus magic), fierce armoured bears, and best of all it's extremely anti-religion (Christian/Catholic). The Christians and the vatican have been boo-hooing, pissing their diapers and screaming BLASPHEMY! about these books, the theatrical production and now the movies.

The characters are incredibly well-rounded and varied, with each class of character and his/her society having a rich cultural and political background. The book's characters come from all walks of life--literally, and due to the nature of the story, all band together to destroy God. How cool is that in a "kid's book?" One of the characters, Lee Scoresby, a Texan, , is just an aeronaut, who has been hired to fly his hot-air balloon up into the arctic and in doing so, becomes a great neutral character who slowly grows to love the girl-heroine and fights for her life and cause. At the end of the 2nd-last chapter of The Subtle Knife, a chapter that's pretty much all Scoresby, I was shaking with tension and disbelief. Let's just say it's a perfect scene in a western. Pullman's incredibly descriptive passages have you right there in the thick of it and I had to have a time-out/breather at the end of that chapter.

The official website is incredibly detailed and there are tons of unofficial fansites that are just as massive such as this one. The movies are now in production and they're going to have to have a HUGE budget to pull this off right. The first movie, for example, EVERY human character will need a CGI/real-life animal counter-part (daemon) for every single scene (and Lyra's daemon changes into about 60 different animals alone). The books also take place in a number of different worlds and landscapes so there'll be lots of world-traveling and huge studio set designs. This isn't just Hogwarts and owls.

Again, Book 3 on the whole, sucked compared to the first two, but there are awesome elements and is still incredible. I actually started reading Book 2 about a year ago but put it down near the beginning because I didn't really like some of the dialogue exchange between Lyra and a new character; it seemed contrived and too "kiddie-like." I got over that little hang-up and found that I liked Book 2 more than Book 1. In my opinion, any book, let alone a "kid's book" that says religion is bad for the world has got to be a great book. Like I always say, "Go to hell Christians."

COCA-COLA

Andrew's follow-up/one-up to my Windsor Salt commercial.

click chuggin' Monkey for Quicktime (00:10 - 1.3 mb)

MORE ZAPPA WILDNESS!!!!

John Richardson of media activist group R Room donned some crazy digital SCUBA-wear, went into the deep end of the internet, dove down to the bottom and hauled up this juicy bit of Zappa goodness:

He wrote:
"In the 80's some movies could have been completely different.
For example Eric Stoltz was originally cast and shot scenes for Back To The Future but was quickly replaced by the less cranky Michael J. Fox. Many don't remember, but most of 1982's Zapped! was originally shot with Frank Zappa until the producers came in on the last day of shooting and said "These guy's have the same hair! We need to cut Zappa's hair". Frank Zappa refused and Scott Baio (then boyfriend of Willie AAMES) was on set and was cast immediately.
Zappa later released his version of ZAPPED which did not do as well as the now unforgettable Zapped! with Heather Thomas and Scott Baio."


The producers did the right thing here I think. I rewatched Zapped!, with the knowledge that Aames and Baio had a relationship during the filming and it clearly shows. Even if I could get over the fact that Zappa and Aames have similar hair-dos, I just don't think the chemistry between the two would be the same. Also, there's something really creepy about Zappa.

WINDSOR SALT

Here's the commercial I did a whole while back for Windsor Salt.

click bag of salt for Quicktime (oo:o6 - 3.8 mb)

STRANGE ABYSS

Everyone's going on about The Abyss these days. I've just about had it up to here with all the talk about the director's cut and the theatrical release and which ending's better. ENOUGH! Mr. Cameron, if you're visiting, please take into careful consideration my idea for a half-decent ending...

click Ed Harris' face for Quicktime (00:43 - 1.5 mb)