Tuesday, March 06, 2007


You've heard about the pain ray where "authorities" can blast a crowd of "unruly" demonstrators with a ray that causes the inflicted to feel as though they're literally burning into bacon so their instinct of flight kicks in and everyone disperses. The ONLY thing wrong with the pain ray is that it can't shoot through walls! So screw the useless pain ray! LONG LIVE THE PUKE RAY!

The Navy is looking into a great new device that has been developed which can make people vomit their guts out. The advantage of this less-than-lethal device is that its "radio waves" can penetrate walls (like your basic ham radio) and make people puke. If I had a time-machine, I'd go back to the Jesus days and while Jesus was on the cross I'd add insult to injury and blast him with it for a full 10 seconds. That way I'd finally fulfill my life-long dream of making it into the Bible (and add some much needed class to that scene as well).

Hey speaking of Jesus two things:

One: If I ever decide to like jazz and want to start a jazz band, I'd call my ensemble "Jazz's Christ."

Two: A joke for you that goes a-sumpin' like this:

Jesus is on the cross. He's been there for hours and to be honest, he doesn't look like he's doing too good. One of his goofy disciples, perhaps Grumpy or Jokey comes along and sees his lord in agony.

"Oh, my lord, is there anything I can do for you?"

With barely a whisper Jesus mumbles something but the disciple can't quite hear so he runs off. Wait! It gets funnier. So the disciple runs off into town and gets a ladder and returns. He puts the ladder against Jesus's outstretched arm and climbs up.

"I'm sorry, my lord, I couldn't hear you."
"...please....my hand...it hurts."
"Yes, my lord, leave it to me."

And so Climby Smurf begins to remove the nail from his best friend's hand and when it gets pulled Jesus says

"ahhhh...oh...god....that feels soooo much better. Please...pull out the other...."

The disciple climbs down, moves the ladder over to his other arm, climbs up and removes the next nail.

"oh jeeze-louise that feels good. please, son...continue with this blessed duty..."

The fella climbs down the ladder and, no longer needing the ladder, he pulls it away and Jesus, in a state of panic, (waving his arms like a guy suddenly stopping on the edge of a cliff) begins to fall forward and yells,


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