SHOES

"Cars this" and "Cars that!" ENOUGH! The movie Cars wasn't any good! The designs were poor and booooring. Sure the animation was stellar and the tech behind it made it look incredible, but overall this thing raced to the finish line in dead last (insert your moan here). I feel sorry for old John Lassiter. Not only does he have to follow in Brad Bird's incredible footsteps (insert your second moan here), but he had to do so with a heap of a script and devastatingly poor designs. Maybe it's just sour grapes. After all, it's a complete rip off of the script I wrote and submitted to Pixar eight years ago entitled "Shoes."

Shoes is the story of a high-performance running shoe named Dash Krofft ("coincidental" that Pixar has a movie with a character named Dash isn't it?) who is the fastest and best running shoe racer in the running circuit. One day, while traveling to his next meet, the cocky and self-absorbed Dash finds himself lost and needs to spend the night in a small town called Treadsville (or as Dash calls it, "Deadsville").

There Dash is introduced to a whole bunch of other friendly locals; an old army boot, Sgt. Tongue, a flip-flop surfer dude named Jammer, Wavy & Gravy are the comic relief as an aging pair of hippy Birkenstocks. He also meets a really nice high-heeled babe by the name of Bernadette. Dash is pleased to meet these fine folks, but feels he'd better call it a night so that he can hit the road early and get to his track meet on time.

Unfortunately, on his way back to his hotel, he passes by a hooker boot by the name of Pumpy Ho. She asks him if he "wants to get unlaced." Dash politely refuses and continues on his way. Pumpy Ho doesn't take "no" as an answer and starts giving him sass to the point where he gets down right rude to her. She then calls on her pimp, the platform shoe Mr. Groovy, to lay a smackdown on this tripper. Dash, being the runner that he is, is off, outrunning Mr. Groovy easily, but in his haste, he finds himself on the wrong side of the tracks getting shit-kicked by a bunch of wing-tipped gangster shoes. Luckily, he is saved by an old work boot by the name of "Steel Toe" Joe and a worn out hobo/prospector loafer by the name of Ol' Stinky. Joe & Ol' Stinky arn't very smart but they're tough and friendly old coots and the three end up going to a pub for a drink. It is in the pub where Dash finds that something's bothering him; a syringe in sticking into his side. Joe surmises that Dash must have pricked himself with the discarded junky pin while getting shit-kicked in the back alley.

Next morning Dash needs to get to the track meet, but feels that he'd best get to a hospital ASAP to see if he's infected with anything. He has to wait in the town for a week while waiting for the results. The people are all real hospitable and warm and caring. Even Mr. Groovy comes by Dash's place and tells him that Pumpy Ho will treat him like a real men's shoe if he wanted. Dash thanks Mr. Groovy for his fine offer, but feels he should first hear what the results are before hookin' it up with anyone, including Pumpy Ho. Mr. Groovy respects this. Eventually, Dash's results are in and it's negative. The results are positive. He's got a shoe version of AIDS. His running days are over and he ends up living the rest of his short life in the hospital there in Treadsville (or as Dash calls it "Deadsville.")

So you can see why I'm kinda mad at Pixar for stealing my script outright and changing the shoes with cars. Which is stupid--how can the cars even talk or move or anything without a person driving them?! I give Cars 2 thumbs down.