Sunday, February 24, 2008

HALFSQUATCH GUEST BLOGGER: JAMIE "THE HATCHET" HATCHENS

Hey y'all, because I'm super swamped with other things (power-washing my deck, directing a cartoon, being a dad, pleasuring my wife, and replacing the latch on our front fence) I've decided to let a friend look after Halfsquatch for a full work-week. It was hard for me to decide who would be best suited for the job, but, perhaps it was more than just coincidence, an old school mate contacted me through Asspamphlet (it's like Facebook but not as good). I hadn't heard from him in almost 18 years and when I asked him if he'd be interested in looking after Halfsquatch for a week, he said "Fuckin' rights, that'd be cool." So, without further ado, here is your new keeper of Halfsquatch, Jamie Hatchens!


Hi. My name is Jamie Hatchens but my buds call me "Hatch" or I'm also go by "The Hatchet." Im a guy from Orangeville Ontario and I work for a Coca-Cola distrabuting plant, loading pallots of soda onto trucks. Good money cause its union and all. So Johnny asked if I'd run this thing of his so I said yeah and now I'll be out to fucking rock you into orbit! I really have anything in mind at all and all day i was racking my brain trying to think of somehting that would be fucking awesome so my girl says something like write what you now about and love so thats when i decided! My trcuk.

Look at this:


Can you even belive it? This is my pride AND my joy. It fucking hauls serious ass. I got a buddy of mine to do up some deckals for it to make it One in a million. No one has this Dodge at all. First, I put UNLIMITED TIRE TEAM on the doors. Its an inside joke that the guys and me do. "UTT!" Don't ask. You won't even get it. On the hood I did this

FUCK OFF!!! I'm laughing my ass off right now cuase its so awesome. If you click on the pitcher it will be made bigger so you can see it beter. Ha ha ha ha! Awesome."UTT!" I then also got these done on both sides of the truck


You don't even know! Ha ha ha! Fuckin' right and look at the salute i 'm giving you! You don't even know! IThe words are made up with stick people. Originilly it was stick people in sex positons but it was harder to read. This is still right the fuck on though. I also put this one the gate You don't even know but if you call this number you won't get anyhone cuz its just a fucking joke that me and my buddies made up. It says If this vehicle is seen driving irradically dial 1 800 eat-shit. So awesome. My buddy came up with that one one night and it stuck. I like it and if you look at the word irradically you can see the word radical in it which is fuckin right the fuck on. I don't have a piture of of the other side (so sue me, i'm an idiot for not taking the piture) but it says in the same kind of letters These Tires are ALWAYS for sale. Again, its another inside joke that fucking rocks (UTT!!!!). I laughed my ass off so hard when we put that on my truck and you don't even know! I gotta go.

349 comments:

1 – 200 of 349   Newer›   Newest»
johndryden23 said...

Hatch! It's Brian Shaymore! WIcked trukc dude! Suck my ass, it smells! Ha

Johnny Darrell said...

BRIMORE!! RIGHT ON! Still giviner I can tell! You still lissening to those loosers Metallica? FLOFL. HOLY FUCKING MOLY MY SHIT STINKS! Ha ha good times. -- Hatchet

nate said...

greatest blog post ever

BEADLE said...

I think it was a bad idea to let this guy run your blog for a week Johnny.

your pal,
Beadle

Johnny Darrell said...

You're a douchbag "Beadle." If you want a fucking punch in the mouth, then just say so. I'll come out too BC and punch you in the face so hard you'll die, so shut the fuck up because you don't even now!!
-- HATCHET!!!!!

BEADLE said...

Hey ! why don't you try posting through your own blog ! "Hatchet".

not your pal,
Beadle !!!!!!!

Johnny Darrell said...

Because the cops wont let me have my own blog because its against my probation rules asshole! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW!!!!

nate said...

Hatchet, Beadle is 6'5 and 300 lbs of pure muscle, I'd watch out!

2ghey4U said...

Don't tempt Hatshit, he's prolly wanken to the thot of a huge muscle man now!!1

CAMacKinnon said...

Argh Fuck Billy, my shit stinks. (We are playing this game, right?)

Johnny Darrell said...

If you guys wanna go, name the time and place and I'll book off some work from the coke factory, bye a ticket and make my way out to your sissy provence and do some majorly harsh damage to you're faces. I don't give a care how big this Beadle guy is. I got into a fight with Matt Crilly (the captain of the Orangeville Crushers)last weekend behind the arena and I kicked his head in. -- THE HATCHET

BEADLE said...

Ok hatchet...

You go "BYE" your ticket.
You should also "BYE" some grammar skills while you are at it !

not your pal,
Beadle

nate said...

What if we challenge you to a fight, like, tonight? Do you think you can make it in time?

Work will be pissed if you call in sick AGAIN!

Honkbarn said...

Fuckin eh Jamie! I look forward to your posts this week. I can tell your a gnarly dude by the pitcher of your truck. Well, I'm gonna drink a pitcher of Pilsner and go fuck myself! Party on bro.

Johnny Darrell said...

Right on Honkbarn! I am truely going to impress the rock and roll out of you for sure! Pilsner's all the way bro!! If I come out there to beat some BC ass we should definitly party hard. I heard that the bud out their's killer! I'll bring hash.
Party on -- Hatch

Johnny Darrell said...

Johnny here: Wow. I don't even know where to begin. First off, Jamie is NOT going to come out here to beat anyone's ass. He can't because it would violate his parole.

Beadle: I'll see just how far Jamie takes this blog before I pull it. I am watching it and monitoring it so that it doesn't take Halfsquatch "over the edge" but I am also not editing Jamie.

Beadle, I also tried to set up the account so Jamie could log in as himself but he can't because it too will violate his parole (for whatever reason?!)

Hatch: Please stop threatening people because, and correct me if I'm wrong, this too violates your parole.

Cam: Don't know what that game is!? What platforms is it on?

Hatch: As I've mentioned in our emails, please don't do anything too offensive as I try to keep Halfsquatch somewhere on the positive side of things. I can't wait to see what else you have in store. Johnny.

johndryden23 said...

Metallica RULES!

johndryden23 said...

Metallica RULES! Hatch couldn't kick the shit out of his own underwear! HA!

CAMacKinnon said...

I thought we were quoting Dayglo Abortion songs.

Johnny Darrell said...

Cam: Johnny here, I guess that's what they're going on about. Hatch?

Johnny Darrell said...

DAYGLO ABORTIONS! At least someone in this forem isn't gonna get a punch in the socket. 10 solid right ons to cam for not being a total pussy. -- HATCH

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